I am back. Three days in the hospital, and now the challenge of recovering at home. I never thought I would say such a thing, but

I am terribly glad I just spent hours on end lying absolutely still, drifting in and out of a morphine-induced stupor, being polite to a queue of new nurses, unable to eat or drink, removed from the world of time, news, and the interwebs, missing Tim every minute, receiving bewildering visits from people who must care very much.

Here at home, bombarded suddenly with the dishes, emails, schedules, essays, exams, and groceries of real life, things have been thrown into sharp relief. Some of the revelations of the past few hours:

- Tim is a man I dearly want to come home to, who takes better care of me than anyone else possibly could

- I need to rest

- resting does not come as naturally to me as guilt, anxiety, hair-brained quick fixes and running around with my head chopped off do

- studying for Linguistics exams is, sadly, not as necessary as I thought

- victuals (even dry toast and especially tea) should be prepared carefully and savored slowly

- I will run as soon as I can, because I can

- waking up pain-free is not to be taken for granted

- the untidyness of living needn't kill my soul

- I am surrounded by good people

- I like reading science

- blood is very red, very precious, very smart

- I will take a month to monitor a return to The Pill

- I think I am strong enough/cheerful enough, have good enough habits in place (and in return? healthy ovaries, clear skin, reduced risk of cancer)

- yes, I do love quiet, pretty things, books, poems, fresh air, people, food, bicycles, little else

- reading and writing come naturally again, and how I need both

- water is very liquid, very impressive, just as life-giving as they say

- I will buy a new pair of TOMS and a new pair of pea-green rain boots

- I will take walks to look at the world out-of-doors

- it is a lovely thing to sleep and not worry

- I will ride my bicycle to buy Tim a loaf of french bread, the minute the streets are clear

- honey cornmeal cookies in the shape of bees will always be a part of my diet

- I will make the new zines beautiful (they are finally coming together)