resolutions half a year in

Since half the year has elapsed, I thought I would give myself leave to tamper with these resolutions a little bit. I thought I would take the opportunity to try and look at both my six-months-past and -future selves with kindness and clarity. Resolutions needn't be static. Here we go: 

- learn to make my own happiness (because it is not Tim's job, and because circumstances will not always be peachy)in particular,  1) develop strategies for managing anxiety attacks, 2) take myself on dates

- complete one wearable sewn garment (hello brown paisley dress) 

- master fair isle knitting (in order to make things such as this

- remove makeup every night (this has never, ever been a habit--now that flossing is down, it's time)

- reach goal weight once and for all (140 pounds)--or don't; keep lifting, keep cycling, keep learning to eat

- pay back money owed Tim (so very close); stop spending money that doesn't yet exist

- pay off student loan (not so close)--or don't; make dent in current loan, pay 2013/2014 tuition straight up

- repair book cubes (damaged in the move last spring)

- further improve backyard (especially firepit, but also hope for fruit trees, removal of gravel, chopping of hoary huge evergreen); also enjoy said backyard

- write something (anything) every day (this should be at the top of the list); or just fill two notebooks

- learn more about math and computing (calculus, number theory, Python)--finish A Transition to Advanced Mathematics and the online MIT computing course

- publish in at least one magazine (which means submitting)--acceptance counts too

- give excellent presents (better than last year); in particular, surprise Tim

- apply for at least one "real" job (something outside the service industry, something challenging, something that utilizes my skills)

- properly repair bathroom ceiling and baseboards (and begin to learn about renovating a house)

- play the violin again (Vivaldi's "Winter")

- learn more about baking bread (to begin: read the lovely book Laura got me for Christmas)

- get a tattoo (at last at last)--or don't if the money still doesn't exist

- put more of myself into relationships (especially that relationship with one Tim Put); in particular, 1) be kind, 2) write letters--every week

- use my nice things (and remember that I have many--especially tins of expensive tea)

- make and repair more, and buy better and less (I need a darning egg); in particular, 1)stop buying cheap clothes that need to be replaced every six months, 2) refashion unwearable clothes in closet

some ludicrous green shoots

When I brought my birthday roses into the kitchen to salvage what was left, I saw this:

This week has happened in spite of. I had to write a term paper which I didn't want to write, was sure I couldn't write--which seemed so pointless that it seemed a case in point of all the reasons why, beyond this degree, I cannot continue with academic English. There were, though, these roses. And yesterday I bought Tim a peace offering pie and walked to the downtown library to pick up a stack of books I had on hold. I hadn't even reached the automatic check out before I realized that I was juggling no less than five books on emotional eating--and a bakery box. Justina came over in the evening, with beer. I taught her how to knit, carried on about different types of cast ons and the wonder of Ravelry. (I must stop waiting for my life to start, or get good.)

that's an odd expression

"When I get up in the morning, also a very unpleasant process, I jump out of bed thinking to myself: "You'll be back in a second," go to the window, take down the blackout, sniff at the crack of the window until I feel a bit of fresh air, and I'm awake. The bed is turned down as quickly as possible and then the temptation is removed. Do you know what Mummy calls this sort of thing? "The Art of Living"--that's an odd expression."

- The Diary of Anne Frank, 92

peas and avocado

Pouring rain outside, and very dark even though it's almost noon. Tim's off at a job interview. The window is open, the lights are off, and I'm in bed. I'm planning to update some Etsy things a little later, read Steven Pinker, and go eat hamburgers at Tim's parents' place.